Listen to Your Emotions.
In the last couple blog posts, I have been talking about happiness. Within this post, I am going to do my best to explain other emotions and their roles.
It is important to get a good understanding of our emotions because whether we like it or not, emotions govern our life. Even the most rational and intellectual people are swayed by their emotions. This is not to say, emotions lead us away from intellect and rationality, but on the contrary, emotions keep us rooted in it.
I always explain to my clients that emotions are our messengers. They communicate to us when something is off. They do a good job of letting us know when there is an injustice that needs reckoning, when the biggest decision of your life might be the wrong one, or when you simply need to eat and fuel your body.
The problem is many of us have learned throughout our lives to disconnect ourselves from our emotions. I remember when I first learned to stop listening to my emotions. I was in seventh grade and I kept feeling this youthful glee around this boy. There was an incredibly strong attachment and desire to be around him. I “listened to my emotions” and interpreted them as I really liked this boy but when I realized he didn’t like me back, I felt like my emotions had betrayed me. I was “following my heart” and it got me deeply burned. But the truth is my emotions didn’t lie. They told me the truth, but unfortunately, I did not interpret the rejection soundly. My emotions did what they were supposed to be. They gave me messages, and heartbreak wasn’t because my emotions betrayed me, but a confirmation that I in fact, really did like this boy and I wanted him to like me back. It was as simple as that. Our intellect can help us rationalize our experiences but our emotions point us to the undeniable reality of what we hold deep inside.
I have learned that actually developing a relationship with my emotions instead of trying to repress them or pretend they don’t exist, helps me to better understand them and make more rational decisions. It is when we don’t take the time to listen, that we end up responding way too quickly, jumping to an irrational conclusion, and/or denying important parts of ourselves.
So let’s look at the different emotions and develop a relationship with each of them. There are no “bad” emotions or “wrong” emotions. Emotions are God-given and are the very ingredients that make us truly human. They enrich our life experience and awaken us to a world where we are not empty voids but filled with vitality and meaning.
Anger: This emotion is the one I hear the most that you shouldn’t feel. I often hear, “I wish I wasn’t so angry.” “I am seeking therapy because I have been angry a lot lately.” “I don’t want to be an angry person.” I get the subtext embedded in these statements and the fears of being an intolerable and unenjoyable person but anger is a great protector. It tells you the truth when your boundaries have been seriously violated. It doesn’t like to see you hurt. It despises when you are being manipulated, used, or demeaned. It demands justice. It seeks to make things right. How anger gets expressed is a matter of choice.
Sadness: This emotion is another common emotion that people seek to eradicate in therapy. However, sadness is an emotion that communicates to you when something you need is missing. It also often communicates to you how much you love something or someone, or how much you have been harmed by something or someone. It also prompts you to let go of things that you no longer need in your life that are toxic and harmful. In many ways, sadness, like anger, seeks to protect you. It alarms you when there are some things in your life that need to be restored or released, in order to heal you.
Anxiety or fear: This emotion much like the others mentioned, is an emotion that people feel uncomfortable feeling and seek a quick solution to alleviate within therapy. However, anxiety is an emotion that wants you to know that something is off. It wants you to pay attention to a lurking threat that has the potential to cause grave harm. It is often communicating to you to assess the situation more thoughtfully or to remind you to slow down and exercise caution. It also might be telling you that you aren’t in the present moment. You are too stuck in the past or far beyond into the future, and not truly living in the here and now. Anxiety is here to help you to let go, to cease the here and now, and to live life mindfully.
Disappointment: This emotion tries to communicate to you the discrepancy between your beliefs and assumptions, and reality. It also can reveal to you just how much you care about something.
Irritation: This emotion often communicates when you need space or rest. It understands when you haven’t been taking good care of yourself or when boundaries have been crossed, or your energy is spent.
Guilt: This emotion often communicates to you that you need to re-ground yourself in your morals and values. It tells you when you may have compromised who you are or your beliefs. It wants you to live authentically and experience dignity because it knows it makes you feel most happy and also makes others happy.
Shame: This emotion often communicates to you when the version of self in your mind is not matching up with reality, and when you might be hiding from who you really are, and are needing to reconnect with yourself (especially lost parts).
Jealousy: This emotion communicates to you that you haven’t been living with gratitude. You might be comparing yourself too much or seeking out things you don’t have, instead of appreciating the things you do have.
Frustration: This emotion communicates to you when you are stuck and need to solve your problem in a different way. It often tells you when what you keep doing is no longer working and you need to stop, reset, and try something new.
Disgust: This emotion communicates to you when you need to be wary of something because it might make you emotionally or physically sick. It could be dangerous and you may need to avoid it in order to stay safe and healthy.
So the next time you experience an emotion, listen to it. Try to understand its messages. Don’t just react or push down, but lean into it fully. Think about how you would listen to a friend. Your emotions are your friends. They are God-given gifts meant to protect and support you. So validate your friends. Tell your friends that you are listening. Be there for your friends. Tell your friends that they matter. You will be amazed by how a simple shift in thinking about your emotions and speaking to them through an internal dialogue alleviates a multitude of challenges because it’s not your emotions that cause the distress, it’s how you respond to them.