A Letter to a Mom with a Parent Wound

It may be difficult to be a mom when your own mother and father have hurt you. At times you may believe that you have no idea what you are doing as a parent. Other times, you may believe you know exactly what you are doing because you have a benchmark of what not to do. Nevertheless, there is always a lurking insecurity hiding in the shadows. There is always a worry of failure and further wounding. 

As you try to navigate the world of parenting with this particular wound, know that your job is not to be the perfect parent. Nor is it to never fail or hurt your children. This is completely unrealistic. It creates further insecurity and worry as you struggle to reach this impossible standard. 

Your job is to be a present parent. Your job is to keep trying even when you hurt your children. 

The wounds you hold from your father and mother most likely are not wounds because they failed to be perfect but they failed to acknowledge their imperfection and to stay present to you. They stopped trying. They became absorbed in their own world and forgot about the world you were hurting in. 

As a parent you always have the opportunity to keep trying. You always have the opportunity to acknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and make things right. You always have the opportunity to escape the world where you have been deeply wounded and enter into your children’s world where they are so in need of your nurture, attunement, and love. 

When your wounds begin to impact this opportunity you have been given, keep these words in mind. Also, just like you must be present to your children and keep trying, you must also be present to these wounds and keep trying to heal them. 

You can be present to them by working through them within therapy, prayer, adoration, confession, therapeutic groups, journal writing, and/or self-help books/podcasts/workbooks. 

This is how you increase healing and increase your capacity to show up for your children in the way they deserve. 

I am rooting for you, mama. Your mother and father wound will only make you a better parent. 

With love, 

A Therapist 

Brya Hanan, LMFT