It Takes a Flood Sometimes Pt. III
When my husband and I entered the Sacrament of Marriage, we had no idea how much work we had to put into it. I know for me personally I had this very romantic idea of what marriage is and what it would take to make it work. If my husband and I prayed hard enough, went to mass every Sunday, and professed the same faith, then all would be well. Boy oh boy, was I naive.
By all means, having a strong and shared foundation as well as being rooted in something bigger than yourself certainly helps, but what I failed to see is the emphasis on “work.” In order to make a marriage work we both have to be willing to get our hands dirty and uncover all the gunk that we hold deep within, all of our shame, wounds, disappointments, and hurts, and lay it out in the open and then make a conscious decision to offer healing to one another. This takes a deep understanding of our past and present, and intentionality to use what we know to support one another to have a better future.
Let me give you an example of this.
My husband and I had got into a heated argument that left me feeling emotionally drained. When this happens, I tend to lose my voice. It’s difficult for me to speak and I completely shut down, and proceed to “run away.” Little did my husband know when he married me that he married a similar dynamic to what happened between his father and mother. So as I attempt to cope with my feelings, I tend to trigger my husband who internalized this dynamic as being abandoned. Without being completely conscious of this, my husband believes I am abandoning him by failing to talk and wanting to leave the space, even though in my mind, I am just trying to process my feelings and find a safe place to regulate myself.
So when my husband feels triggered his voice can get louder and more intense, which reinforces a similar dynamic that I was used to in childhood. This dynamic formed a belief that carried with me into adulthood that I am not worthy. So when I hear a thunderous voice and see someone is really upset with me, I am triggered to think I am not good enough and I have to either assert my power and position that I am or I have to accept it and curl up into a ball crushed by the weight of what that could mean.
So in this particular fight, I reacted in the latter and ran to my closet, curled up into a ball, completely overwhelmed by what I was internalizing and just cried. As I laid there believing I didn’t deserve love and deserved to be alone, my husband came into the closest, picked me up, and held me.
Since I am a wave, I naturally pushed him away. I wasn’t sure if I could really trust him and felt uncomfortable in his embrace, but he remained steady and continued to hold me. He reassured me that he was here and apologized for his words and the way he yelled, and acknowledged that I did not deserve that. Suddenly, I felt like a big weight was being lifted and I was no longer crushed by my woundedness, rather I was being healed wound by wound. I allowed myself to cry and be vulnerable with him, trusting that he did care and love me very much.
When I felt well-regulated, I was able to speak again and acknowledge my part to play in the argument and expressed that I was still going to be here. I wasn’t going to leave him and that in fact, I needed him. This validation helped my husband to rest and to also heal his own wounds. Without really realizing it, we were doing exactly what marriage is about, being a safe and secure landing place for one another where we can be nurtured back to wholeness.
As a Catholic-Christian, I believe that the purpose of our lives is to become like Saints. It’s to become a better person everyday and to love in a way that doesn’t hurt ourselves or others, but offers healing, just like Christ did when He died for our sins. When you enter into the Sacrament of Marriage you are given a special privilege and opportunity to do just that. You can support one another to make sure you are becoming better every day and loving well. You won’t always get it right but when you enter into marriage with the mindset that you will consistently try, there will be more “getting it right” than “getting it wrong.”
You also have to enter marriage with the mindset that your partner will be holding your wounds and you will be holding theirs.
My husband told me one day, “I just feel like I am constantly having to clean up the mistakes of others who hurt you” and he was right. This is marriage. Unfortunately, it isn’t a magical fairytale where all we have to do is wake up and experience perfect bliss. Especially, if you have experienced trauma. Marriage is shared woundedness and the willingness to be healing agents for each other’s growth and happiness. Just like Christ takes on our wounds and bears the cross for each of us, marriage is about taking on our spouses’s woundedness and holding the cross together. There will be times that you or your spouse will fail and during those times, you or your spouse will have to be willing to hold more of the weight, but whether the marriage is balanced or unequal, blissful or hard, there will always be a cross to hold.
So if you are currently single or dating and thinking about marriage, I want to encourage you to use this time wisely. Read some books about marriage and the new “cross” you will one day hold. By no means, does my use of this word serve as an attempt to steer you away from marriage, but I think it’s important for me to be honest and to offer as much information as possible to prepare your heart and to also adjust your expectations before you get married.
Some of the books that really helped us is “5 Love Languages” By Gary Chapman, “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman and Nan Silver, “Wired for Love” by Stan Tatkin, and “The Temperament God Gave You” by Art Bennett and Laraine Bennett, as well as praying with marriage devotionals.
Something I wish I would have done more before marriage and even dating was to learn more about myself and heal some of my wounds from childhood and beyond. Unfortunately, I began therapy when I started dating my husband and because the process of becoming more conscious takes time, it wasn’t until we actually got married that I learned I had so many memories and experiences that have not been processed that I brought into my marriage. One of my favorite books that really speaks to this is “Getting the Love you Want'' by Harville Hendrix.
Haville Hendrix talks a lot about how our childhood wounds and unconscious enters into our marriage and actually has the power to transform into something that heals ourselves and our partners.
“Our unconscious drive to repair the emotional damage of childhood is what allows us to realize our spiritual potential as human beings, to become complete and loving people capable of nurturing others. And even though our projections and transferences may temporarily blind us to our partners’ reality, they’re also what binds us to them, setting up the preconditions for future growth.” -Harville Hendrix
If you are married, I want to encourage you to keep learning and growing as well. I have found that even when you are in a good place and feel secure in your marriage, you still have to be willing to do the work. Your entire married life is a constant journey to go deeper and to discover more. There is a reason out of all the people in the entire universe you are married to your partner and your job is to keep discovering that reason, and use the opportunity you both have been given to create a fulfilling life.
Marriage is a wonderful gift and for those who are Catholic, an incredible Sacrament that you cannot take for granted. In order to best share in this gift and Sacrament, celebrate it’s sanctity and seize the opportunity it offers you, it is important that you enter into marriage honestly and vulnerably, with the willingness to be fully exposed. That way if you find yourself like my husband and I during a “flood period” you aren’t completely overwhelmed by the stressors, challenges, wounds of the past and present, or toilet water for that matter, rather you are grounded in the relationship and the experience of healing.
And that’s the beauty about a flood. When you are able to ride the waves and stay afloat, once the flood dries, you are greeted by new vegetation. All of the water and chaos, that once shook the foundation you stood on, becomes a saving grace, if and only if you have eyes to see it and the persistence to stay a little longer after the flood to cultivate growth and an even stronger foundation.
Here are some questions to reflect on to further your growth and understanding of conscious partnership.
Reflection Questions
Harville Hendrix’s states there are 10 Characteristics of a Conscious Relationship.
You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose- the healing of childhood wounds
You create a more accurate image of your partner
You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner
You become more intentional in your interactions
You tend to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own
You embrace the dark side of your personality
You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires
You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking
You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe
You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship
Reflecting on these 10 characteristics, what areas do you and your partner still need to improve on? If you are not in a relationship, what are some things from childhood that you still need to heal from?
What are you needing from your partner in order to experience more healing in your relationship? If you are not in a relationship, what are you needing from yourself, from God, and from others in order to experience more healing?
What does your partner need from you in order to experience more healing in your relationship? If you are not in a relationship, what do you expect to receive from your partner in marriage? What do you expect to give to your partner? Notice if there is an unbalance here or if you were to quick to answer one question more than the other.
Create an action plan of how you can become more conscious in your relationship (or future relationship). Expand on Harville Hendrix’s Characteristics using our own internal wisdom, faith, and understanding of love and relationships.