It Takes a Flood Sometimes Pt. II
The “flood” that I talk about in Pt. I offered my husband and I the opportunity to really learn and grow. We were able to use something that felt so tragic at the time to better understand ourselves and one another, and make changes in how we were approaching our marriage.
Here are some of the things I personally learned.
1. Your Childhood Enters in the Marriage Too
Each time we would meet in therapy somehow the past was always brought up, specifically something that had happened in our childhood that formed how we relate and attach. It was important for us to understand each other’s story and attachment style so we can better respond to each other in a way that helps us to feel more secure. It also was important to see how our childhood wounds were triggered by one another so that we can be more careful with our word choice, tone, and behavior. This knowledge translated into my husband and I being more mindful during moments of high stress so that we can better show up for one another and offer a more secure base.
Dr. Stan Tatkin has a great way of illustrating attachment styles. He calls the three different adult attachment styles, the wave, the anchor, and the island. My husband is an island and I am a wave, which in simple terms means because of my husband’s upbringing he has learned to adapt and cope by pushing people away and being alone and because of my upbringing I have learned to adapt by being fearful of being close, which might make me act in ways that appear needy or cold and distant.
Now when my husband seems to be “distancing” himself from me, I can pause and rather than take it personally, I can attribute this to his attachment style and I can offer him space and also validation that I am someone whom he can depend on and turn to during difficult times.
2.No Team, No Marriage
Since my husband and I have different attachment styles, (a wave and an island) it can be difficult for us to speak the same language. Oftentimes it feels like we are two opposing teams trying to “win” each other over. When we decided to get married, we made the decision to become a “we” rather than an “I” and as the saying goes “there’s no I in team.” Granted, we also had to bring our individual selves into the team and have a good understanding of who we are, but we made the decision to use our individual stories, strengths, weaknesses, aspirations, and longings to compliment one another and build each other up.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, calls this building a “couple bubble” which he describes as “the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each other from outside elements. It’s a pact between partners in which the quid pro quo is to burden one another with the tasks of devotion and caring for the other’s safety, security, and well-being.” In other words, it’s taking the good, the bad, and the ugly of your partner, including his/her attachment style and agreeing to protect the relationship at all costs.
This was hard for me because I only wanted to participate in the couple bubble if it felt good, if my husband was doing what I wanted, and behaving in ways that I accepted. Again, the focus is on the “I” which keeps me from thinking about the “we” and my husband’s wants, needs, and feelings. When I started to act in ways that I felt like protected our bubble and helped my husband feel safe and secure, I noticed he would draw closer to me. The things I wanted to see in our marriage naturally emerged because I was creating an experience where my husband could feel at peace in the relationship and trust that I actually had his back.
3. Quality Time is Essential
Shortly after Jayme and I got married, I found out I was pregnant. From there, it felt like our whole lives began to revolve around being pregnant and we were no longer prioritizing “us” time. Then, when our daughter finally arrived, this became even more apparent and it took several months before we finally went on a date. This was a big mistake because just as much our relationship needs a secure base, so does our daughter. When my husband and I fail to put our relationship first and offer each other time to connect with one another, we hurt our daughter. We can’t possibly offer a secure base because we have become less united and more divided.
When we started to schedule monthly dates and made agreements to devote time together when she went to sleep, I could feel us become closer and our foundation stronger. “Us” time doesn’t always have to be paying for something or going somewhere. It can also just be finding time to do something that the other person enjoys or creating alone time to just connect and talk about each other’s day. Something that I really enjoyed doing with my husband that was completely free and so connecting, was intimacy exercises. We put a timer for one minute and just practice seeing each other and holding each other. It was a beautiful, tangible reminder that we really did have the power to offer each other safety and security. Another intimacy exercise that seems to work really well is having you and your partner answer the 36 questions.
4. Listen Before Speaking
When I think back to my arguments with my husband, almost all of them stem from not listening well. My husband and I both have strong beliefs and opinions, so when they differ, it can be hard to really listen to one another. The entire time I usually “listen” I am thinking of what to say back in defense or how what he is saying is making me feel. It’s difficult for me to really process what he is saying and uncover what he might not be saying simply because he doesn’t know how to. It’s also hard for me to see the pain behind his words and his own wounds peering through sometimes, but they are there, always, and my job is to listen to them and respond in a way that shows I truly hear and see him. The more I practice this, the more we begin to trust each other, be more open and vulnerable, and understand one another.
5. Lean into the Discomfort
One of the things I quickly discovered when I got married is that it’s really hard. Everyone says that too. There are those who claim that if you are doing it “right” then it’s not, but the truth is there is no relationship free from difficulty. All relationships are challenging. All relationships take work. All relationships need to be nurtured. They take two people who are willing to learn and grow, and evolve. As my husband and I continue to learn and evolve, we begin to adapt to one another and each other’s needs, and assess when what we have been doing is no longer working for our marriage. It is a journey that is anchored by honesty, vulnerability, and grit, and is full of many uncomfortable truths and experiences. I admit this is hard for me. I have to undo many years of believing that if something isn’t always pleasant, then it’s not meant to be. But growth and healing emerge from struggle. In other words, marriage is a purification process that uses pressure and discomfort so that we can become who we were meant to be. When I try to wrestle with the pressure and discomfort, doing everything in my power to make it go away, I end up making the pressure and discomfort insurmountable. When this happens, I am no longer in a position to learn and grow, but I am overwhelmed by pride and stagnation, and pride and stagnation has no room in a marriage.
I have to intentionally get myself to just notice what is happening within me and around me, and accept that sometimes our marriage has to go through rough patches, sometimes there are things that are out of my control that I cannot change, and I need to stay steady and stay present through it all.
Read Pt. III to discover how I integrate all these learnings and discoveries, and why it even matters.