Love yourself, Love your Inner-Child.
One of the hardest things I realized in my healing journey is that I did not love myself, let alone, like myself. Somewhere along the way, I had come to the conclusion that my life really doesn’t matter.
As hard as it is to admit, this was my reality. On the outside looking in, I suspect that nobody could really tell. I prided myself in appearing to have it all together. I was also so detached from myself, which made it easy to move through life, without feeling the pain that accompanies self-hatred. I smiled a lot and was always super-involved in school, extra-curricular activities, and my relationships with others, which kept me from having to slow down and process what was buried. It wasn’t until graduate school that I actually admitted my self-hatred out loud for the first time and began to understand the root of it.
I was sitting in my own therapy (where most of my realizations occur) and I was wondering why I can’t seem to move forward in life. I had recently come to the understanding that I had been running in place, and yet completely unmotivated to do anything differently to move forward. I had grown comfortable in the space of rumination and self-pity. I had begun to make my own insecurity and negativity an inescapable reality. My therapist knew that although I was comfortable in this place, I was still existing in my pain, even when I couldn’t feel it. She looked at me with eyes full of compassion and asked me, “If you could go back and give your child-self something she needed, what would that be?”
Suddenly I started to sob as I thought about her life. It was as if all my defenses came tumbling down and I could see another side of myself. Instead of seeing this broken, unworthy, despicable, and deeply flawed woman, I saw a scared, confused, and insecure child who just needed acceptance and reassurance.
This session awakened my inner-child, a part of myself, I had abandoned long ago and it changed my perspective and my heart. I wasn’t able to look at myself with eyes full of compassion but when I saw my inner-child, all I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and hold her tight. This propelled me into a journey of embracing my inner-child and understanding her more. I remember one of the first things I did to better get to know her was to listen to a song that I knew she loved. I listened to that song repeatedly and often sobbed with it, as I grieved my inner-child’s many losses. For the first time in my life, I could see her heart and I wanted so badly to protect her and give her the acceptance and understanding she needed.
The more I strengthened my relationship with my inner-child, the more I could see my adult self becoming more whole. I was healing. I had to re-parent myself in ways that supported my inner-child’s growth, which in turn helped my adult self grow. Through this process, I noticed that my thoughts were becoming a lot more loving and compassionate. I was being more gentle with myself when I made mistakes. I was experiencing more peace and detachment, during experiences I normally would have been so overwhelmed by. I was also a lot more conscious. I was making fewer mistakes because I was slowing down and being more attentive. Being in my body and being aware of myself, was beginning to feel more comfortable and it was all because I simply acknowledged a part of myself I repressed. But it wasn’t just any part, it was a vital part, that holds my hopes and desires, my wounds and my sorrow, and all the wonderful, quirky, and passionate parts that make me, me.
This experience set me on the path to helping others connect with their inner-child too. It has been an incredible gift to journey with people as they get to know their inner-child again and re-parent themselves. I have seen the most amazing outcomes when people just begin to acknowledge themselves with compassion and understanding.
Inner-child work is also very spiritual work for me. Jesus declared that “whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me, but the one who sent me.” When we receive our inner-child, all that makes her who she is, all of her wounds, hopes, and needs, we receive God. God transforms our childhood and transforms us so that we not only can make sense of our past but live more whole-heartedly and fully in the present. The kingdom belongs to children. Children are the key to unlocking how we must live our lives and also how we must heal our lives. Children help us to lower our defenses. They help us to be vulnerable and to recognize what has long been buried or repressed. They help us to be honest and to be whole.
So as I continue to do the inner-child work with my own self and support clients as they connect and embrace their own inner-child, I am reminded that children do not need to be fixed, probed, or changed. They needed to be nurtured, understood, and accepted. They need to just be children; free, curious, creative, and deeply loved. In the same way, we need to give ourselves permission to experience this too. Without this, we rob ourselves of the fullness of life. We cannot truly love ourselves nor love others well until we love the parts of ourselves we abandoned.
Therefore, loving oneself starts with loving your child self. It starts with giving your inner-child all the things she never received and more. Your child-self is very much still a part of you and in order to live a more functional, fulfilling, and integrated life, you have to be willing to make space for her. When you begin to love your inner-child, you begin to develop the skills that will also help you to love every part of yourself, even the shadow parts, the parts you are too ashamed or too embarrassed to admit you have. Love truly does transform us all. Love takes all of our shame, guilt, and sorrow and turns it into something beautiful.
It’s never too late to get to know your inner-child, to love her, and re-parent her. What you lost in childhood can be found within you.
Therefore, this week, make a commitment to love yourself well. Make a commitment to love your inner-child and offer her all the care, nurture, acceptance she always deserved.