Navigating anger as a christian

In today’s age, there is a lot to be angry about. Everywhere we look there seems to be an injustice, something to be frustrated about, people who just don’t understand us, or little annoyances that seem to pile high in our hearts. If you have done interior healing work you also might start to get really angry. Angry at what you’ve experienced and angry at what you didn’t get to experience. 

As Christians, it can be hard to reconcile and sit with these feelings. Being angry seems to be the antithesis of love and joy. We can easily well up in shame when we recognize it in ourselves or become judgmental when we recognize it in others. 

Depending on how you grew up, you might not have had permission to be angry. You might also not have been shown healthy expressions of anger. You may have heard loud, thunderous noises, received spankings or shoes to your bottom, witnessed pots and pans flying in the air, parents arguing, or someone muttering various obscenities. There are also more subtle expressions of anger that can be equally triggering and harmful. You may have been exposed to passive-aggressive comments, your mother or father retreating to their bedroom for hours in anger, or being ignored and not talked to. These experiences can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, alone, and without the healthy skills to tolerate and regulate anger in a healthy way. 

Without a healthy understanding of what anger is and a way to regulate anger, we can be emotionally stunted adults who struggle with anger. We may appear outwardly loving and compassionate but inside our anger is repressed. We can attend Church regularly and be involved in various ministries and inside, hate ourselves. We can angrily tell ourselves many negative things, put harmful chemicals in our bodies, over-eat, under-eat, engage in sinful behaviors, and shame ourselves further for the response to that anger. 

Or we can express our anger towards others by belittling others, engaging in comment wars on the Internet, being highly critical of others, using sarcasm or manipulation to express ourselves, cussing at the car in front of us who’s “driving like an idiot,” putting people down, or screaming at people closest to us. 

When this becomes our reality it is really hard to live with Christ’s peace and fulfill our vocational callings. This is why we need to better understand our anger and find healthier ways to express it. 

Understanding our Anger 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says, “the passions (emotions) are natural components of the human psyche (CCC 1764).” They are “neither good nor evil” and are “morally qualified only to the extent that they effectively engage reason and will.” 

This means that we do not need to be ashamed of our anger. Anger is just one of our emotions and when they engage with reason and will they can help us act in a way that is virtuous. 

Therefore, it is okay to be angry. We just need to put it in its proper place. 

In order to put it in its proper place, regulate it and act in a healthy way, we have to first understand what’s behind it. Anger is one of those emotions that can never be taken at face value. There is always a world underneath it that fuels it. 

Some of those emotions include frustration, loneliness, rejection, shame, guilt, and most importantly sadness. 

Responding to your Anger 

When we feel angry, it’s important to narrate what’s going on in our minds. It’s as simple as, “I am feeling angry” or “I am getting more frustrated” in order to stay aware and signal to ourselves there is something going on right now that needs our attention. Then be curious about it. We must ask ourselves, “What might be behind this emotion?” 

Once we have identified the emotion behind it, then it’s our job to try to calm ourselves down so that we can give ourselves what we are needing. Depending on just how angry we are, we may need to calm ourselves down first in order to have the mental capacity to even think about what might be behind the emotion and what we might need. 

Calming ourselves down can look like taking a couple of deep breaths, taking a walk or run, and saying simple prayers like “Come, Holy Spirit help me to know what to do with this anger.” It can also look like setting boundaries. We may need to end a conversation short, get off social media, have some distance from a family member, or leave the room for a short period of time in order to regulate our anger. 

Once we are in an emotionally regulated place then we can better meet those deeper needs. Perhaps that need is to pray for someone on the Internet who has a different political or religious view or to have a conversation with someone about the way their comment affected us or perhaps, it is to help out with an organization that will help bring more justice to a situation. 

Whatever it is it’s important that it is rooted in love and not vengeance or pride. 

In inner child work or what I call “Internal family healing” there is a part that I help my clients target called the “angry/ adolescent part.” This part is a part of us that seeks to protect us from further wounding. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always do it in a way that is helpful. This part has a lot of pride and control. It will do anything to “save face,” prevent injustice without knowing the balance of justice and mercy, and keep us “on top” so that we don’t have to feel vulnerable, ashamed, or sad again. 

It can be really helpful to support this part of ourselves by bringing this part to Jesus. Jesus will meet this part where it’s at but this part oftentimes struggles to surrender, trust, and let Jesus in. It can feel too vulnerable and unsafe. The loss of control can truly feel debilitating. Therefore, when working with this part it’s important to learn how to be a good friend or parent to this part and really understand this part. It is also very important to validate this part and say things like, “It’s okay, I see that you’re angry. It’s okay to be angry. I am right here.” Or, “I can see you are trying to protect me, but we can let go. We don’t need to protect ourselves in this way.” When we ignore this part of ourselves, shame this part of ourselves, or try to repress this part of ourselves it can often come up in ways that appear more aggressive and unruly. 

“Be angry but do not sin.” - Ephesians 4:26

So the next time you are angry, try to think about this part of yourself. Think of an image that really represents this part of you and see if you can try supporting this part just like Jesus would. 

Remember, even Jesus got angry. It is okay to be angry but we are always called to do something that will bring us the most peace and love. We are called to bring Jesus to this part of ourselves and regulate our emotions in a way that brings virtue instead of vice, and sometimes in our human nature, we’ll express it in a way that is filled with more vice than virtue.

But be gentle with yourself. This work takes practice and can be very challenging especially if you didn’t have people in childhood who showed you healthy expressions of anger or did not talk about anger, and teach you how to regulate it.

Fortunately, the Lord’s mercy is truly new every morning (Lam. 3:23) and the repair work you do after an unhealthy expression of anger is just as important as the prevention work you do to prevent an unhealthy expression of anger. So remember to forgive yourself and seek the forgiveness of God and others. 

Anger doesn’t have to rule your life or be something you are ashamed of. Let anger and the emotions behind it lead you to a more honest, abundant, and integrated life. 

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us. 

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us. 

Interested in learning more about inner child work or internal family healing?