To be Held Series: Connecting with your Inner Child

One of my favorite movies is To the Bone starring Lily Collins and Keanu Reeves. A 20 year-old with anorexia nervosa finds herself caught between wanting to get better and living in complete despair. She see’s her life, her circumstances, her weight, and believes that she will never be able to change, even though she really wants to.

It’s a powerful and deeply moving movie that shows how mental illness can affect not only the individual but those whom care for the individual. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when Lily Collins (Eli) leaves the in-patient treatment facility she was staying at to be with her mom. I the scene, her mother, “Judy” is emotionally drained and completely powerless to help Eli. She laments over not being able to help her own daughter and worries that her postpartum depression and not holding Eli enough when she was a baby may have caused her eating disorder. Judy, in complete desperation then says something very radical and quite strange. She was told by someone who she’s been receiving support from that it would be healing for both Judy and Eli, if Eli allowed Judy to feed her. Eli, is a little taken back. She responds “Like a baby?” Judy responds, “Well like a mother and child. I can hold you and rock you and you could go to sleep.” Eli seems intrigued but is hesitant. Judy understands that the invitation may be a little uncomfortable for them both but shares with Eli that it might be what they need. Eli looking down, asks her mom if she can think about it. Judy then nods her head in agreement and tells her okay, and leaves the room with tears in her eyes. Then before Judy exits, Eli stops her and holding back tears she says, “mom, feed me please.” Without hesitation, Judy walks towards her and proceeds to feed her. The scene ends with Eli crying, as she tries to drink the bottle of milk while Judy gently rocks her in her arms and sings “Hush Little Baby.”

What I love so much about this scene is the power of vulnerability. It look the vulnerability of both Judy and Eli to experience such a transformative and healing experience. The scene also offers a wonderful picture of what it looks like when we connect to our inner child and our deepest desires.

Our deepest desires are never to have it all together, to be thin, or have the perfect family. On the outside one could argue that this is what Eli desired but this was just Eli’s response to not having her deepest desires met. Eli’s deepest desires were to just be attuned to, nurtured, and held, just like a child.

As adults, I think we can all benefit from taking a closer look at our inner-child and the deepest desires within us. Perhaps, you might identify with Eli and feel like to connect with your inner-child, you just need to be cared for like a baby again. Or you might think back to your childhood and feel like what your inner-child needs is to experience more play or words of affirmation, or even just validation and acknowledgement.

Or perhaps, you might think back to your childhood and remember so many memories where you were held well, memories where you were emotionally attuned to and embraced lovingly. Whatever the case may be for you, I encourage you to tap into those experiences and reflect on how those experiences of “holding” or “dropping,” have shaped you. 

For some people, you might have trouble remembering your childhood. You might have no idea whether or not you experienced being “held.” That’s okay. There are several things you can do to tap into your inner child that isn’t drinking rice milk and being held by your mom (but by all means, if this really resonates with you, I encourage you to try it).

Here are some strategies that have really helped me. 

Find an Old Baby Picture 

Find an old baby picture as I did in the first “To be Held” blog post in this series. As you look at this photo, pay close attention to your facial expressions, what you’re wearing, who’s near you, your body language, the particular time period, and what’s happening in your environment. Imagine what it must be like to be in that photo. What you might be feeling? What you might be thinking? Try to come up with a dialogue with this child in the photo. It’s best to write that dialogue down so you can be really intentional and focused on whatever comes up for you. There is no right or wrong way to do this exercise but here’s an example of my own dialogue. 

For example: 

Adult self: How are you feeling? 

Child self: Good, I am sitting in my mother’s arms, drinking a warm bottle of milk. 

Adult self: You look really comfortable and peaceful. 

Child self: Yeah in this moment, I was so at rest. 

Adult self: Is that how you normally felt back then? 

Child self: No, there were times that I felt like I wasn’t really held. In fact, at times I felt neglected. 

Adult self: Wow, that must be really hard for you. I am so sorry that you felt that way. 

It’s important whenever you are doing inner-child work and dialoguing with your inner-child to be kind to your inner-child and provide him/ her with words of validation, affirmation, and assurance. 

Listen to a Song or Movie from your Childhood 

The second thing you can do is to rewatch or re-listen to a song from your childhood. Try to choose one that for whatever reason you were drawn to as a child. You know those movies or songs you watched over and over again. As you are watching or listening, pay close attention to what feelings are brought to the surface. See if any part of the song or movie causes a shift in your emotions. Think about why that might be. Perhaps you identify with the words or images. Maybe there is something relatable to what you were feeling or experiencing as a child. 

For example, what comes up for me is the song “Lucky” by Brittney Spears. I remember being so drawn to this song and playing it over and over again in my Walkman. Thinking back, I don’t remember why I was so drawn to it but it had an affect on me. Every time I heard it, I would become somber and reflective. I played it as an adult and just noticed what the song was saying. As soon as I did, I became emotional. I was transmitted back into my childhood. I could feel my inner-child being moved by the lyrics, “She’s so lucky. She’s a star but she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking if there’s nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?” That’s when it hit me, I had felt lonely as a child. Even though I had two parents, friends, a nice home, neighborhood, and all the toys I could possibly want, something felt missing. 

This provided me with a wealth of information on my inner child and helped me attune to her in the ways I am not sure she was attuned to. 

Spend Time in your Childhood Home or Neighborhood 

The third thing you can do is spend some time in your childhood home or neighborhood. Drive to the school you went to, go by the neighborhood you used to play at or anything that will help you think back to what it was like for you as a child. Attune to whatever emotions come up for you as you reflect.  

Remember if a particularly strong emotion comes up for you, it’s there for a reason and if you inquire further, you will most likely come to find why that particular feeling might also be something you experienced as a child. 

There are many other ways that you can tap into your inner child but these have been most helpful to me. As always, do whatever works best for you. After you are able to tap into your child-self and reflect on his/ her experience of holding, you can then figure out in what ways you need to still hold him/ her. For example, you might come to find like Eli that you inner child might really benefit from being held physically and could use your mother. Or you might come to find that you were physically held a lot but you weren’t emotionally in many ways, and your inner child could use some emotional holding. This might mean having to talk to a trusted friend or therapist. 

The wonderful thing about doing this work as an adult is that you don’t have to rely on your caregivers to do the holding anymore. You have many resources and skills as an adult to provide this holding to yourself. And anytime you do inner child work and provide your child with something that was missing, you help your adult self heal and move forward in a healthy way too.

This can satiate the present desire of wanting to be held and can provide a framework in which you know how to best be held by others. Meaning, when you connect to your inner-child and offer “holding” you’ll be able to better discern what in your life you are currently being “held by” that is no longer helpful. For example, Eli came to find that she was being “held by” her addiction to weight loss and because she was able to see that it was literally and metaphorically killing her, she was able to make the decision that she was going to get the help she needed.

When you are able to identify the things you are being “held by” as an adult and how much it not only hurts you, those around you, and your inner-child, you will start to feel more empowered to make much needed changes in your life. You will be able to get your desires met and let go of whatever stands in the way.