To be Held: Letting Go
As a teenager I developed this strong attachment to boys. Actually, I think a better way to describe it is I became boy crazy. I would spend almost every waking moment thinking of the boy I liked. I would doodle his name all over my paper and figure out my next move to win his affection. At night, it was hard for me to sleep. I thought about everything that would make me feel more connected to him: what outfit I was going to wear to grab his attention the next day, whether or not we were going to get married, what our kids would look like, when his next game was so I can show up unannounced to support him, etc. Then when I finally did go to sleep, these thoughts would seep into my dreams, creating a 24 hour cycle of (insert crush’s name here) OBSESSION.
In my young adult years, this obsession, if you will, didn’t really go away. It matured but it was still very much a part of me. No matter if I was studying for an exam, excelling in a profession, developing my spirituality, talking with friends, I had this insatiable desire to have a romantic partner in my life.
When I finally did enter into a relationship, I would hold on so tightly. The guys I dated became my “security blankets,” you know those things in your life you have no intention of letting go of because it provides you with a sense of comfort and safety.
The irony is that the men I would attach to were the furthest thing from comfort and safety. They made me feel insecure. I never felt like I could fully depend on them and in the back of my mind I worried they would leave me.
As I reflect back on these experiences as an adult and as a therapist, I have so much compassion for myself. I can see that I am not just this crazed teen or insecure young adult, but a human being who just wants to be held.
Remember Attachment Theory in the first blog post of this series (if not read more here). I don’t have a secure attachment. In fact, I seem to have developed an Anxious-Resistant/Preoccupied attachment style. I struggle with forming secure bonds with people. I am desperate for love and affection, and for someone to complete me but when I get into a relationship, I am distrustful and can sometimes act clingy and desperate.
This isn’t a negative thing, it’s just my brain trying to make sense of how to attach while also keeping me safe. It’s what has helped me survive.
Our brains are created and wired for connection. Any bids of love, attention and care can go a long way and cause to be disillusioned by the care we are actually receiving.However, it can be a harmful thing, especially if it leads to attachment to the wrong people, places and things or if it leads to self-sabotage and mistrust of all that is good for us.
And it all stems from fear. I believe most of us are afraid we are going to be abandoned with no one to love and care for us.
The fear of abandonment is what Susan Anderson the author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing calls a primal fear. Most likely our first fear as humans. She goes on to say, “As infants we lay screaming in our cribs, terrified that when our mothers left the room they were never coming back. Abandonment is a fear that we will be left alone forever with non one to protect us, to see our most urgent needs.”
This fear never really goes away. Even as adults, we are still crippled by this fear and it so tightly binds us, that sometimes we’ll hold unto just about anything, even if it harms us.
The good news is wiring and rewiring happen every day. If we find ourselves insecurely attached and holding on to harmful people or things, there is still time for us to let go. We can offer ourselves experiences of attunement, connection, and safety, and let go of people and things that do not offer us this. These experiences rewire our brains to develop secure attachments. It helps us to truly discern whether or not a person or thing can really care for us. It also helps us to recognize all of our internal resources and form new primary attachments to God, to ourselves, and to the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.
In the end, we all just want to be held but it’s important we choose what we actually want to be held by. Not just any person, place or thing will suffice. A helpful examen on our present day attachments is to ask ourselves: Does this person, place or thing provide me with true security? Does this person, place or thing provide me with true safety? Does this person, place or thing provide me with nurture? If the answer is no, then you know it’s time to let go.
When we do not let go of harmful attachments we repeat negative cycles that were most likely formed in childhood and nobody wants to live in the same cycle. It’s exhausting!
So in order to best let go, we have to be honest with ourselves and with others. We have to be willing to accept reality and not in the illusion of security, safety, and nurture. Our happiness and freedom depend on this. We cannot find rest in the arms of someone or something else, until we create space to heal our unmet needs and respond to our inner-child with the security, safety, and nurture she always deserved.