Healing the Mother Wound
The role of the mother is the most important role that God has given man. Mothers provide the physical and emotional nutrients a child needs to survive and thrive. Without moms, all would cease to exist. God chose women to be life bearers and co-creators. He even chose a mother to be a part of His redemptive plan to save the world. The role of the mother is truly powerful and beautiful!
When I think about this great gift given to women, I can’t help but also think about all the men and women who have been hurt by their mothers.
My heart remembers and breaks for those who seek therapy and grieve the loss of their mother; those who long for a stronger emotional connection with their mother; and all those who cannot forget the harm that has been done by their mother.
These people who experience this deep wound cannot experience the great gift given to women. Instead, they experience God’s gift with great pain.
This pain makes me think about the verse from Isaiah 14:15-16, where God speaks to Isaiah and says,
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me."
In other words, when God gave mothers this special gift, He did so with the intention of mothers being able to mirror His love. Women through the gift of motherhood are given the special privilege of being God’s love made visible and through this love, they forge an unbreakable bond with their children.
However, sometimes mothers because of sin and their own wounds fail to mirror this love and cannot forge this bond. Sometimes, mothers leave this world too soon and can’t use the gift they have been given fully. When this happens it causes a physical or emotional rupture in the relationship between mother and child, otherwise known as a mother wound.
Typically, the mother wound looks like a mother not able to be emotionally attuned to her child causing her child to feel emotionally abandoned, neglected, or forgotten. Sometimes, this also looks like a mother not physically attuning to her child’s needs and being physically absent which causes the same emotional responses in a child.
This wound is passed down generationally. It is very common that a person who experiences the mother wound has a mother, who is also experiencing this wound from her mother.
Without a loving, consistent, attuned, and nurturing mother present in a child’s life, children will typically grow to develop many mental health issues.
In childhood this could look like:
acting out
becoming overly shy and timid
regressing (bed-wetting, sucking thumb, sleep issues, etc.)
developing depression or obsessive-compulsive behaviors
anxiety
among many other mental health issues
As these children grow, the wound most commonly manifests as:
poor or toxic relationships especially with intimate partnerships
poor self-regulation
emotional disconnection
issues with substance abuse and other addictions in an attempt to self-soothe
unhealthy relationships with one’s bodies, including poor eating habits
poor/ mistrusting relationships with women
seeking validation from mom
difficulty making one’s own decisions
among many other dysfunctional and unhealthy behaviors
As heartbreaking as this is, through faith in God, there is hope! In scripture and in the verse from Isaiah, we read that God promises to never forsake His children. He promises to always be with them and He sustains and sanctifies that unbreakable bond with our mothers through His steadfast love and mercy.
There is also hope through therapy.
I have seen many clients successfully go through therapy to heal their mother-wound.
When I help clients who have this mother wound or an unhealthy attachment to their mother, there are some specific things I do to support them. One of the first things I do is help them acknowledge that the wound exists.
Acknowledge the wound exists: It’s so important to get to know the story of why the wound exists. Even if your memory is foggy or if you don’t have very many memories with your mother, it’s important to try to explore the narrative around the wound (I often encourage my clients who don’t remember their mothers to ask people who were around and witnessed the relationship to tell you about what your mother was like and their experience of the relationship). After getting to know the story around the wound (mother’s absence, mother’s mental health issues, mother’s death, mother’s jealousy, mother’s substance abuse issue, etc) then I have my client validate the pain that they have experienced from this wound.
Validate the pain of the wound: It’s vital to get in touch with the feelings surrounding the wound (anger, rage, resentment, guilt, shame, fear, sorrow, etc) and also give yourself permission to feel the feelings fully. Oftentimes many people are taught that it is not okay to feel ill feelings towards their parents or they are given the message that it’s not safe to explore sad feelings. They need to “be strong,” “be thankful” and “respect/ honor their parents” and just remember all the good they have done. But the more people disown and discard their feelings, the more people will become so disconnected from themselves. This is why many people feel like they do not know themselves well and often struggle to experience peace. After clients validate their emotions and give themselves permission to experience negative or sad emotions fully, I then encourage my clients to identify what they need now.
Identify what you need now and seek it: Perhaps, you need forgiveness or reconciliation (this is really important if your mother has hurt you), more boundaries, rest, emotional attunement, or a loving hug from your mom. Whatever it is, it’s important to identify it and own it. Then, explore what you can realistically achieve on your own without the dependence of your mother to offer it to you. For example, if it really is a hug from your mother but you know deep down that your mother is not emotionally safe and she would never be able to offer this to you, then you may need to identify other maternal figures in your life who are able to offer this to you. Also, it is always a good idea to offer this kind of loving embrace you are seeking to yourself. After you are able to identify what you need and offer yourself what you need (in a healthy way), I then encourage my clients to make some commitments to themselves. The reality is the wound will most likely always be there and you will need to intentionally seek to continuously heal it.
Make a commitment: It’s important that you have some kind of a plan that you are committed to doing so you can support yourself moving forward and experience more healing. Usually, when I am helping clients make plans they can commit to, I encourage them to incorporate the Blessed Mother. For example, a commitment may look like praying for your mother daily and setting a boundary with your mother, and then asking for the intercession of the Blessed Mother to support you.
Connect with our Blessed Mother: Our Blessed Mother is the perfect intercessor and spiritual mother to heal the mother wound. Jesus Christ gave us His mother before He died on the Cross for a reason. He wants NOTHING to stand in the way of us living fulfilling lives that lead us to Heaven. Developing a relationship with the Blessed Mother can help us to examine our wound more closely and through the comfort of Mary’s embrace, bring our wound to Jesus over and over again, so that it doesn’t get in the way of our fulfillment and our eternal Home.
So no matter what kind of mother wound you have and no matter how long you have been experiencing it, I want you to know there is a tremendous amount of hope for you. As you actively seek to heal the wound, you will experience more healing.
Even if your mother may have hurt you, abandoned you, left this Earth too soon, God will always be there for you. God will not hurt you. He will not abandon you. He will not leave you too soon. God will heal you.
He has written you on the palms of His hands. All that you are will be always with Him.