Love yourself like Christ loves you
Sometimes it is much easier to love your neighbor, even the most challenging of neighbors, than it is to love yourself well.
I have had first hand experience with this.
For the longest time it was much easier for me to extend grace and compassion to others, forgive others, accept people’s limitations, and be charitable to those most in need but when it came to extending grace and compassion to myself, forgiving myself, accepting my limitations, and being charitable to the parts of myself most in need, I struggled big time.
I remember I didn’t even see this as a problem. I thought I was “denying myself” and growing in virtue. The reality was I was only hiding myself and trying to cope with my pain by immersing myself in someone else's.
If anyone dared to peer inside of my heart they would see so many parts of myself that I was ashamed of, parts of myself that I ridiculed, and parts of myself that were neglected. This wasn’t love. This wasn’t virtuous. This was self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment is a coping mechanism where you abandon yourself as a way to manage painful emotions. People who suffer from self-abandonment generally were abandoned either emotionally and physically in childhood. Abandonment in childhood creates an unhealthy narrative around one’s identity and self-worth. Without a secure base of feeling wanted and taken care of, it becomes much easier to repeat this same pattern and abandon yourself too.
Self-abandonment in childhood and adulthood looks like:
Not being able to trust your gut or instincts
Seeking validation from others
Suppressing your needs to please others
Giving up on your interests and goals
Not expressing your feelings
Having really high expectations for yourself
Never feeling worthy or good enough
Being highly critical of yourself
Not taking care of your physical or emotional needs
Pushing away uncomfortable feelings
Avoiding intimacy and closeness with others (fear of being seen, heard, loved)
Hiding your gifts and talents
Compromising your beliefs and values
Focusing on other people’s needs, wants and problems to the point your own self is neglected or barely recognizable
Not setting and enforcing boundaries
Refraining from sharing what you need
Letting people take advantage of you
I believe you know you are loving yourself well when you feel the fruits of the spirit- charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, and chastity.
If you identify with any of these self-abandonment behaviors, then you most likely aren’t feeling the fruits of the spirit when you engage in them. Without these fruits, your life can quickly feel hopeless, infuriating, sorrowful, and worrisome.
So how can you love yourself well?
I think there is a common belief that self-love is just about affirmation, taking care of our body, and accepting your flaws.
The problem with this belief is that your spirit need more than just kind words, your body needs more than just physical exercise and nutritious food, and your flaws need more than just acceptance.
From my own experience, this approach to self-love only masked my self-hatred. It temporarily brought pleasant feelings but when those pleasant feelings faded, my actions would reveal the truth again.
From a Christian perspective and from my own work as a therapist, self-love looks a lot like Christ’s love.
Here’s what I know about Christ’s love...
Christ’s love is full of compassion
When the Lord saw her, He felt compassion for her, and said to her, “Do not weep.” Luke 7:13
Christ’s love heals the sick
And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people. Matthew 4:23
Christ’s love welcomes the stranger
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me…Matthew 25:35
Christ’s love sets the captive free
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to prisoners and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free…” Luke 4:18
Christ’s love is quick to forgive
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.' " Matthew 18:22
Christ’s love challenges
But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Matthew 16:23
Christ’s love lays down His life
By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 1 John 3:16
When it comes to loving oneself and loving others from a Christian perspective, we have to model this kind of radical love. When we fail to model this love, we often “love” in a way that is deeply distorted.
It may be helpful to ask yourself:
Am I moved with compassion when I notice the parts of myself that I do not like? Am I moved with compassion for my story? Do I see all the ways I have tried to cope with pain? Am I willing to acknowledge my feelings but not be led by my feelings alone?
Do I acknowledge my own sickness (my own depravity, sinfulness, brokenness) and look to Jesus to heal me? Do I engage in activities that support my own healing? Do I try to change unhealthy patterns and dynamics, and break negative cycles?
Do I welcome the stranger in my own heart- the parts of myself that have been rejected, cast away, and neglected?
Do I set what’s captive in my own heart free? Do I acknowledge what is chained, imprisoned, and stuck within me? Do I find ways to receive support and live out my God-given freedom in a way that reflects Christ?
Am I willing to seek Christ’s forgiveness as well as forgive myself for my own wrongs and failures?
Do I challenge my negative thoughts and unhealthy core beliefs?
Do I sacrifice and practice self-mortification in order to support my mind, heart, and soul?
When you are able to answer yes more times than not, you are most likely loving yourself well. You are modeling Christ’s love and allowing yourself to experience the fruits of the spirit. These fruits will help you to also love others well.
I think what is important to remember is that “loving your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31) is what we need to strive for every day but we won’t always do it perfectly.
There are some days that we will be really nasty to ourselves. In our fallen nature, we may even fall into old habits. We may find ourselves repeating the sins and failings of our parents, or those who have hurt us. We may do like St. Paul says in Romans 7:15-20, “the very thing I hate.”
But just like St. Paul, we are given the opportunity to admit our weaknesses and fraility, and stay persistent. We cannot give up. This is how we truly love and “love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:8.
Think back to your own life and the people who showed you love the most. Were these people perfect? Probably not. These people are just as broken and imperfect as you are, but what made them models of love is that they were persistent. They kept trying to love you. They kept showing up with compassion, mercy, charity, sacrifice, forgiveness, just like Jesus.
This is how we must love ourselves.