The Key Ingredients to Good Therapy

Some people have no idea what to expect when they begin therapy, especially if they have never been. Let’s face it, all people really know is what they see on television, unless they’ve experienced it firsthand.

An older, seemingly pretentious and melancholic therapist is propped up on their executive chair, looking at you or rather analyzing you, and asks you repetitively “So how does that make you feel” then scribbles something down on their pad of paper.

Boom. Therapy.

But therapy is SO much more than this and just like how each human person is unique and comes with specific strengths, so do therapists. There is no “model” therapist but there are some things you should expect to experience from therapy and should know about therapy before committing to the process.

collaboration: When you enter therapy, you work together with the therapist to uncover what you are needing and feeling.

self-discovery: When you begin therapy, you should expect to learn more about yourself. The therapist will ask specific questions to help you gain more insight.

empathy: The therapist is trained to listen empathetically. The entire work should be centered around making you feel safe, heard, deeply listened to, and understood.

compassion: If you don’t feel the therapist’s compassion, he or she probably isn’t the right therapist for you. The therapeutic experience should emit compassion and also teach you to be more compassionate to yourself.

attention: For 50-60 minutes you get the therapist’s undivided attention. You should expect that the therapist will be focused on you and only you.

openness: For many people, therapy offers the opportunity for complete openness. You no longer have to hide behind shame or secrecy, or worry about being “too much” or overwhelming others with your “problems.” The therapist should encourage you to be completely open and share whatever is on your heart, and offer you the experience that whatever you just said is okay, acceptable, and confidential.

boundaries: The therapist is not your friend, or romantic partner, or your mother or father. The therapist should be holding good professional boundaries to keep you safe and to protect the therapeutic relationship. The more the therapist can serve as an objective outside person, the more the therapist can really provide unbiased support.

support: The therapist should give you the feeling that you are being supported. Although, they must maintain strong boundaries, it should not take away from the feeling that someone is with you when you need it the most.

respect: The therapist must respect your boundaries, your “no,” your limitations, and your comfort level. The therapist should never pressure you or use their power and authority, to make you feel coerced, manipulated, or do something you are not ready to do or talk about something you are not ready to talk about.

perspective: The therapist should limit their advice giving. Therapy is more about your self-discovery and growth process, and empowering you to make the right choices that only you know and only you can make. However, the therapist should guide you in seeing different perspectives and expanding your own perspective, to support you in your self-discovery, growth process, and decision making.

commitment: When you enter therapy, you are committing yourself to a process. There are no guarantees that therapy will work for you or that you will connect with therapist right away, but the more you put into the process and stay the course, the more you’ll get out of it.

healing: Throughout the course of therapy, you should feel like you are healing. The wounds you came in with should not feel as intense or not as unmanageable to bear. However, you should not expect that you will be completely healed. The “work” truly never ends and healing a lifetime pursuit.

attunement: When you were a child in order for your parents or caregivers to build a secure attachment with you, they had to be attuned to you. They had to pay close attention to you and adapt to your needs. They had to respond to your bids for attention, for affection, and for food, and respond sensitively, timely, and compassionately. In the same way, the therapist should be attuned to you and be paying close to you and your needs in a sensitive, timely, and compassionate way

holistic: The therapeutic work should incorporate every part of you. It should integrate your body, mind, and soul. The more you can bring your entire self into the work, the more positive your results will be.

progress: When assessing whether or not the therapy is working, ask yourself am I progressing or I am regressing. If you are progressing, then that means it’s working. Even if it’s small progressions, it still counts! If you are regressing and see no progress at all, then that is a cause of concern and should be talked about in therapy.

understanding: The goal of therapy isn’t necessarily to be rid of the emotions and behaviors that brought you into therapy but to better understand where those emotions and behaviors come from, so you can better manage them and respond to them when they show up.

emotional retrieval: There are so many emotions that we experience almost every day. Many of those emotions are suppressed for a variety of different reasons. Therapy helps you retrieve those emotions that you might have abandoned or not allowed yourself to feel, so that you can explore them more thoroughly and work through them in the present moment.

transformative: The work should be transformative. It should be the catalyst that transforms the way you view and interact with your self, your life, and your relationships.

for all people: no matter if you are poor or rich, young or old, male or female, able-bodied or disabled, religious or nonreligious, therapy is for you. Therapy is truly for all people and it should incorporate and honor the different facets that make you who you are.

I hope you encounter these different “ingredients” to good therapy and that you reap the many benefits that therapy can provide!

*If you ever feel unsafe or have any experience with a therapist that feels unethical or is harmful, please contact the State Licensing Board where your therapist is licensed.